BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
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Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving