There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.