I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
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Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.