In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
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If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Awesome parenting 😂
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!