doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
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Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket