me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Think I pulled my liver
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle