An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
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My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.