I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
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*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired