When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
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a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
This raises questions
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank