professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I’m already scared
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I’ll be mad as hell!
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Good dog. ❤️
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh