How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
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Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑