If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
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1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Self-cleaning conscience
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired