My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
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A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’