Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
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Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Midwest trash talk
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
i- i did not expect this
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.