Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
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Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it