BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
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Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*