My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
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I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
my dad has had enough
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?