M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.