9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
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If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
relationship goals
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
😂😂😂
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*