Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
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The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….