[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I am, perchance
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”