When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
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If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Free him
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
This pepper has seen some shit
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.