My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.