He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
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The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing