[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
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[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
#ParentingFacts
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.