A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
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*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.