boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
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Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job