me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
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I’m not wrong
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
me refusing to leave twitter
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.