the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
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It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Awwwww shit.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”