Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
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A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Have a lovely day 😊
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.