If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
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Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Fries, not lies.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I feel it
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.