Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
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ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely