Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 馃檹馃徏
You Might Also Like
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don鈥檛 cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn鈥檛 oink enough
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don鈥檛 want to know what I鈥檓 doing to my body
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we鈥檙e all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I鈥檓 just marveling at how the hand towel in my son鈥檚 bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
We don鈥檛 talk enough about Nicholson鈥檚 competent axe technique in The Shining
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will