Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
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My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Brother?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
How to shape your eyebrows
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I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.