How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
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[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Getting married soon just need a spouse