Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
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This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)