If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
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me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”