My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
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my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.