Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
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Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?