Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”