I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
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if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]