My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
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To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*