When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
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My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
a fate I wish upon no one
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I’m Sold!
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.