I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
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My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants