You Might Also Like
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I have so many questions.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.