I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
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I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Sniffing the broccoli
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
you have three unread messages
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?