If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
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My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Yup.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place