I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
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FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
never ask a starfish for directions
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.