Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
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Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Left at a local drug store…
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.