Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
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I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Well, this is awkward